We Shall Go To The Ball!

It's official! Our ball will be on Friday 23rd September at the Royal Beach Hotel in Southsea,Portsmouth! I knew straight away before looking at the venue it had to be the one! During our first conversation, the fantastic event coordinator at the hotel told me sadly her father had pasted away 4 weeks ago due to cancer. To me that decided it! It was meant to be, we would do her father proud!

I have a lot to do between now and then but it's also go me thinking, what else can we do in between?! Now, last year my friends and family all surprised me be doing the race for life in my name. At the time I was too poorly to do it but this year I shall be doing it with them! I've signed me and Kiera up so there's no going back! I've been poorly this week though because what they don't tell you is after Cancer treatment, is that your left so weak you pick up every bug and minor illness going! I had to have an out of hours appointment with a doctor yesterday morning, who told me I was doing too much and needed to slow down. I have to remember herceptin is still chemo and even though the side effects are not as hideous I'm still not in full health. My problem is, I lost a year of my life to cancer and I'm not willing to let it take anymore (stubborn cow that I am)!

Anyway, we will be doing more events but I will just have to learn to accept help! At the moment I've been so lucky to already have some amazing helpers some people I know and some I don't! My lovely (long suffering) husband Steve, my boss (& friend) Ant who helps me with Twitter and brainstorms  the campaigns next move most days at work with me, our wonderful friends and family who keeping sharing our social media posts! A fabulous lady called Stacey Williams who is so funny and cheeky when tweeting celebrating about our campaign she always gets results!! I've never met her but can't wait to meet her at the ball!

So what next? I just don't know, any ideas and help welcomed!

Truly Honoured

When I started this campaign I really didn't think it would take off as it did but I really wanted to try. Not for me but for many people in my life but manly my Son, my Mum and my Dad. My Son because I wanted to make him proud, my Mum who we sadly lost to a brain tumour when I was 13 years old and my Dad who is a testicular cancer survivor (36 years! Go Dad)!

Three weeks in however, that's all changed. Since my blog, Facebook and Twitter has gone live (and crazy)! I've had so many people contact me and tell me their stories of cancer invading their lives or someone they loves life. Many times my husband has found me sobbing into my iPad, because you can't help but be saddened by these stories and honoured at the same time that someone you don't know has chosen to share it with you.

Honestly? There has been moments I'm ashamed to admit when I did think "why me?" but lately...not so much! Instead I think "Thank god it was me!". Thank god it was me and not my little boy Mason, or my step daughter Kiera, or my husband Steve, or anyone I love! The thought of that scares me more than the thought of it coming back! So now, failure is not an option this campaign WILL succeed! Failure is not an option!

Campaign aside, I was  asked by my lovely Godmother to contact a daughter of a friend of hers who unfortunately is exactly where I was a year ago. Just like I did, she's also has a baby who is 4 months  old and she's on her second chemo. The first thing I wanted to tell her? "It gets easier I promise", why? Because at the time I really wish that someone would of said that to me! The truth is no one around you knows if it will and they ar just as scared as you are. I do because I've been in that ladies position and I've faced everything she's about to face.  I hope the things we talked about and the advice I gave has given her comfort if nothing else. My godmother is a breast cancer survivor herself and although the circumstances were different so was a comfort to me in my dark days. I would do anything to be able to give that to someone else.

Pants In The Post

So I have to admit that although I've been told about Celebs who have definitely said yes to sending undies.. I was starting to stress out! So when a package arrived yesterday with ITV stamped all over it my husband called me straight away at work and I insisted he open it! There they were ...Jeremy Kyles Pants! how exciting!! Ever wondered what Jeremy's (I feel I can call him by his first name as after all he sent me his pants) looked like? Well here you are ladies they look like this!

The excitement continued when today we received a gorgeous Bra from Caprice ....yes, Caprice (I know! Can you believe it)! The Bra itself is from her own underwear line which was a great touch. I also tweeted her to say Thank you and she replied which is lovely of her. 

What an amazing start we've had! I still can't believe the support and I'm am so grateful for all the help we've had so far! Twitter has gone crazy tonight with people tweeting celebs trying to get undies! The main instigator being my boss actually! His first words to me this morning were "Twitter! I'm all over it with the pants!" Yes, Ant you really are I've seen! Although I do think we are unlikely to get Justin biebers undies I appreciate you trying! 

If your not following us on Twitter please do! Here: https://mobile.twitter.com/bras4cancer

Wigging Out

It's 2am, I should be sleeping but instead I'm stressing out over my wig! I washed it and its still soaking wet but I have to put it on my head in 3 hours. I know in the grand scheme of things this isn't  a REAL problem but my wig, my wig I NEED my wig!

I have hair again of course, 3 inches of the stuff in fact but I just can't go wigless in public! I know ladies in my situation with less hair who couldn't wait to ditch the wig or never bothered with one in the first place but that's just not me. I know how shallow that sounds but I just can't.

I hate my short hair, I've never had short hair and it's just not me! Don't get me wrong, some woman look gorgeous with short hair and I'm not anti short hair ...just not on me. 

My wig is uncomfortable, hot and itchy but when I look in the mirror I look more like me so it's worth it. 

My wig has given us hours of entertainment over the last year! Only today my 6 year old niece came wondering down the stairs wearing it giggling to herself and asking "can I play with your wig please Janine?". It's not just the little kids that get enjoyment from it though, it's the big kids too! Many of my friends (and even my mother in law) have tried it on and over Christmas I caught my step daughter with it on her head giggling with her friend on face time!

It's all fun and games until you have to wear it all the time! I know, I don't HAVE to but we've established I'm vain and shallow! I salute those ladies who wear scarfs in public or even with nothing covering theit head at all! For me it was always so important not to look ill...especially as I was doing it pushing a pram. 

The day is coming that it will be time to  ditch the wig...just not quite yet! Will I be sad? No but I wouldn't of been without it!

The Unexpected Wobble

The last couple of days have been a blur of support, growing interest and signed underwear! It's been flippin amazing and I've been on such a high until an unexpected wobble happened...

I'd been speaking to Steve from the Chichester Observer about the campaign (eeek!) with a view of a possible article (eeek again!). When quite out of the blue the tears came! The thing is I've noticed that it's not when I'm talking about what I've been through or how I feel it's whenever I talk about our children or someone I love. That's the worse thing about Cancer it doesn't happen to one person it happens to the whole family and everyone that loves them! Poison me, cut me, burn me but effect my loved ones and you break me! 

One of the hardest things for me was seeing the people I love cry over this horrible illness especially people you don't normally see, or never see cry. Seeing my husband cry over this has to be one of the most painful moments of my life.

During the worst parts of this journey the strongest people in my life have been the women in it. My step mother who has been to basically all of my appointments, my chemo buddy and general shoulder to sob hysterically on. My Sister has been my rock and when I've been scared she's been my safe place. She always knows how to make everything better and exactly the right thing to say to me. I never saw her cry, not once and I don't know if she did. I remember we spoke about it once and she said that to her it was something rubbish that we were going to get over and I wasn't going to die...because she just wouldn't have it! At times
During Chemo my husband had to work away and during my bad days she would stay at our parents house with Mason and I. Getting up to feed him to do the night feeds to let me sleep and help me care for him. I should add I feel it no coincidence that Mason & my sister have an amazing bond and even now we don't need her as much, he lights up the moment he sees her! I'm his Mummy but I don't doubt for a second she loves him just as much as I do.

However the men found it harder. My Dad...well he just couldn't take it! I remember at one point having a massive argument with him because he said he didn't want to see me up set and would walk away from me or come off the phone. Basically he wanted to run away and pretend it wasn't happening..
Then there was my husband who was my hero. He took care of our son, took care of me when in was ill, managed to be there for his teenage daughter..you name it he did it. At times when I would cry he would just hold me and sometimes cry with me. I lost count of the amount of times he willed it to be him going through this and not me.

Talking about this today made me realise the physical scars have healed but the emotional scars? maybe not so much! So Steve from the Observer  if you're reading this, I'm so sorry I went from joking about cancer to bursting into tears to laughing again! The wobble caught me quite by surprise but you prompted a new blog post! So not all bad, eh?!

Off To A Flying Start!

Wow, The power of the internet is a wonderful thing! So a little post on Facebook and its all gone a bit mad with offers of help obtaining undies! I am so astounded and very grateful suddenly my impossible goal doesn't seem so impossible! Having said that..a sky dive still probably would of been easier! I'm now in the process off setting up a Facebook page and twitter so we can reach more people ( and in turn hopefully obtain more underwear for the auction)!

Anyway, pants aside I have also had some wonderful people agree to guest blog for me and share there stories of cancer coming and hijacking their lives! This was always so important to me because I never wanted to make it just about me.

All in all its been an amazing 24 hours and I cant wait to share our first underwear arrival but I still don't want to say too much until its actually here!


Please, Please keep sharing with your friends!

Pants ( & Bras) To Cancer

All the way through treatment I said I wanted to raise money for Cancer research UK but I just wasn't well enough. Now I am and its time to start!

Now for along time we've been discussing the idea of arranging a ball which has now been set in motion but the main feature of this ball is going to be an auction. Now... this is going to be the hard bit and honestly I'm nervous about pulling this off but its going contain Bras & Boxers ( unworn obviously) signed celebrities! So that's where the "Pants and bras to cancer" name comes in!

The ball itself is going to be in November/December (date to be confirmed) and in the mean time If anyone feels they can help obtain celeb undies please, please do contact me! I have already started on this and its looking promising is all I'm going to say for now as I don't want to hex it!!!

Any contacts anyone has would be great (even z listers)!


Our Just Giving page now live and you can even text a donation between £1-10

Where The Story Begins..

Now, please stay with me this is going to be long! I've never written this all down so as well as explaining my situation it may be good therapy! So from the beginning! ...

I found a lump in my breast at about 4 months preganant and the pain started not long after that. I did the thing your meant to do I went to my GP but he insisted it was nothing and to take paracetamol for the pain... So that's what I did. After a week of the paracetamol doing nothing I went back, he repeated the same as the first time I went and ushered me out the door. The next week I went back, and the week after that, and the week after that... I went back to the GP 8 times before they took me seriously and referred me to the Breast clinic at my local hospital. I was 2 weeks from my due date when the third biopsy came back inconclusive when my consultant informed me they couldn't get a clear diagnosis because I was pregnant and they would need to do an open biopsy...adding however I will warn you my feeling is that you have Breast cancer. He didn't have to tell me, I knew and I'd always known since the lump appeared of course I wanted to be wrong but I knew I wasnt. 

A week later I was induced so I could get in for surgery as quickly as possible and 3 days after our son Arrived...all 7lb 15oz of him was beautiful and for a second I forgot about the impending doom hanging over my head but it was short lived. As agreed 3 weeks later at 6am in the morning I handed over my tiny sleeping baby to my parents as my husband and I left for the hospital. I cried so hard that morning not becuase I was scared of the little operation, not because I might have Cancer but because it was the first time I would be away from my baby. Writing about about it now makes me so angry as I remember how much it hurt... I just wanted to be with my baby, I didn't want this. 

So anyway, the surgery was done and the news we already knew was confirmed .. I had Breast cancer. The tumour was 12 cm by this stage (huge) and stage 3 so treatment was urgent, there was no time to take it in. It was just before Christmas and although it seems ridiculous now I didn't want to do anything until after. Did I really think I was going to forget about it and have a jolly time? Did I think delaying it would help? The answer is I don't know but if I had I would of been so wrong!  Christmas was a haze of tears and pain for me and I can't imagine it was much fun for anyone else I love but let's face it, treatment or no treatment it was never going to be a merry christmas. The hardest part was telling my teenage step daughter who I adore, no we hadn't planned on ruining her christmas too but we overestimated our acting abilities so of course she knew something was wrong. So there we were on Boxing Day upstairs at my mother in laws house telling her I had breast cancer ....half an hour before my husbands family arrived for a family get together! Telling my step daughter has to be up there with one of the worst moments of my life... I stayed strong and told her all the things I didn't really feel but she needed to hear.. "I'm going to be fine", "my hair will grow back its fine", "I'm not scared", "we will get through this", etc. I managed to smile and not cry.....until she cried that is and then I couldn't bloody stop! I wasn't crying for me I was crying because I couldn't stand the fact the vile illness was putting her through this. 

No, I'm not her Mum and I have never/will never try to be! She doesn't need a Mum she has a very good one but that doesn't mean we're not close. In fact we discussed this the other day and we decided I'm like a really naughty older sister (well actually I said fun she said naughty)! 

My son wouldn't remember this but she will and she's old enough to know what Cancer is and I can never change that.

Soooooo the worst Christmas the world had ever seen was over and treatment began! 5 months of chemo, a mastectomy on my right Breast and a month of radiotherapy. I have Herceptin injected into my leg every 3 weeks and will continue to do so until May this year which is nothing and if it does the job even better! My heart is checked every 3 months because Herceptin damages your heart a little bit each time. Apart from that *touchwood* the bulk of treatment is over ....for now at least. 

So what happens next???.... I wish I knew! Cancer has changed me, I'm not the girl I once was. I don't know if it's for the better or the worse and everyday the fact it could come back crosses my mind. Sometimes I look at my son and want to cry at the thought of me not being here to watch him grow up. I have to move forward I know that and I know I'm lucky I can move forward. So here goes...