I spent all last summer longing for this life! Ok, things aren't how they would of been but it's getting easier. No where near as many hospital visits or needing to rest so much and most importantly my son isn't spending as much time without me.
I appreciate every seconds with him, so much more than I would of done before cancer. The only problem is that when I'm at my happiest that's when the fear also sits in, and I'm scared cancer will come to take it all away from me.
I appreciate every seconds with him, so much more than I would of done before cancer. The only problem is that when I'm at my happiest that's when the fear also sits in, and I'm scared cancer will come to take it all away from me.
I'll be sitting play with him or laughing with him and out of know where horrid thoughts will cross my mind... "what if comes back to take me? He won't remember any of this and how much I love him".. , "In 10 years time what if I'm gone and he's calling someone else Mummy?" or "what if I don't get to see him grow up?".
It upsets my family when I talk like this or perhaps they're bored of it and too polite to say! Either way I try very hard not to say these things out loud. I know I have to push these thought away, I know I have to not let it beat me but it's so hard still. I hope one day it will get easier and I don't have to battle in my head like this. I'm so angry that I let it do this to me, I don't want to be a victim or feel sorry for myself. I fought so hard for this and feeling like this at times wasn't what I pictured.
That aside, we have had some lovely times this weekend. My boy is truly amazing and my reason to keep going. People always say they couldn't imagine going through all this with a baby, but actually I don't think I could of gone all through this without him.
Anyway, I've fought it for so long but I finally gave in and he's had his baby curls cut! It was starting to look a mess so Steve took him to his barbers for her big boys hair cut! Since the hair cut he seems to have grown of night and he's becoming a proper little boy! He demolished his first ice cream, played in the garden and leant to move his ride on truck all be himself (although he can only go backwards at the moment)! He really loves being outside and the minute I put his shoes on he's banging on the back door, waiting for me to take him out in the garden! Everyday at the moment he says and does something new! I love him so much even when he trashing my house apart and throwing the mother of all tantrums!!
He's my reason to fight! As my step mum saying "our miracle baby" and I would go through this all again if it meant I got him too.
It upsets my family when I talk like this or perhaps they're bored of it and too polite to say! Either way I try very hard not to say these things out loud. I know I have to push these thought away, I know I have to not let it beat me but it's so hard still. I hope one day it will get easier and I don't have to battle in my head like this. I'm so angry that I let it do this to me, I don't want to be a victim or feel sorry for myself. I fought so hard for this and feeling like this at times wasn't what I pictured.
That aside, we have had some lovely times this weekend. My boy is truly amazing and my reason to keep going. People always say they couldn't imagine going through all this with a baby, but actually I don't think I could of gone all through this without him.
Anyway, I've fought it for so long but I finally gave in and he's had his baby curls cut! It was starting to look a mess so Steve took him to his barbers for her big boys hair cut! Since the hair cut he seems to have grown of night and he's becoming a proper little boy! He demolished his first ice cream, played in the garden and leant to move his ride on truck all be himself (although he can only go backwards at the moment)! He really loves being outside and the minute I put his shoes on he's banging on the back door, waiting for me to take him out in the garden! Everyday at the moment he says and does something new! I love him so much even when he trashing my house apart and throwing the mother of all tantrums!!
He's my reason to fight! As my step mum saying "our miracle baby" and I would go through this all again if it meant I got him too.
