For the last 15 months, every 3 weeks I have gone for treatment at the oncology day unit. First for 5 months of chemotherapy and then continued visits for Herceptin. Today was my last visit, no more 3 weekly treatments of anything! I did it, I actually made it! 6 chemotherapy treatments and 23 Herceptin treatments!!!
I want to feel like it's over, I wanted to feel like I will never go back there but the truth is I'm too scared. I feel like if I think that way I will be tempting fate and the cancer will come back.
Having said that though I do feel proud of myself and happy that i've made it this far. At the beginning of all this, my current point seemed so impossible! I don't think I honestly thought this day would come. At the time my Step Mother said to me That I had to think of it as a long corridor with lots of doors. Every mile stone was another door and I just had to get to the last one. Well, today is the day that I finally got to it. It's a huge thing and I did it! Not alone of course but all the same it was me who actually did it!
It's nice to feel this way and if I'm honest unexpected! Everyone I love was so happy when I finished my last chemo but as relieved as I was that it had finished I just couldn't get excited. In fact, I silently sobbed through the whole of my last chemo and clock watched the whole time. Not something I did through the others but I think I just wanted to it over and to get out of there. When It was over and I walked out of the hospital I started hysterically crying! I couldn't stop no matter how hard I tried, it wasn't relief at the point it was sadness. I thought I'd feel like I'd walked through another door and the end would be in sight. However, I didn't feel any of that I just felt like this nightmare was never going to end and I doubted I was strong enough to keep going.
Today was completely different! I felt very nostalgic actually, remembering the first time I'd walked into that unit and how scared I was of what was to come but mainly the unknown. I'd only had a baby 3 weeks earlier so my hormones were all over the place and I wasn't at my strongest or ready for it in the slightest! Today though I would walk out of here and hopefully never return.
Anyway, I walked up to the little reception desk on the unit and was greeted by their lovely receptionist Hayley. Now I have to say I've met a lot of people along this journey down the long corridor and Hayley has to be one of my favourites! She is amazing, she remembers EVERYONES name so she never asks you like most receptionist in the country. Instead you receive a warm greeting from her - by name and you feel well..cared about. In situations like this in such clinical environment some one treating you like a person instead of a number is wonderful. She's a total asset to the NHS and what ever they pay her it's not enough!
Anyway! So I've been greeted by Hayley and I sit in my chair waiting for my Herceptin. Everything feels different today it's like I'm not really a patient there anymore and I can even ignore the usual stares that come with being the youngest on the chemo unit! It doesn't matter ..none of it does because I won't be coming back here again. When I come to leave I thank the nurse as I always do who treated me that day and I start to walk out. All of a sudden I realise I'm not waking I'm practically running and as I wiz past Hayley I barely say goodbye! I just have to get out, I need this bit to be over!!
I used the side door and once outside I didn't go to find Steve who is waiting for me with Mason straight away. I just sat on the steps outside in the fresh air and take a minute alone to take it all in. I feel like I've been struggling to breath for so long and now I finally can. It may not be permanent but for now I'm going to enjoy it!
I look up and the beautiful blue sky and it feels amazing to be alive! Know matter what happens I will always remember this moment. In the last 15 months their haven't been many things to smile at but not today, today has been a good day.
