Safety Net

Today was my third to last Herceptin treatment. Coming towards the end of this gives me mixed emotions. Now, I obviously don't enjoy having treatment but at the same time I feel I'm losing a safety net. From here is all monitoring every 3 months and it almost feels like the hospital are waiting for it to come back. The truth is their obviously not but if it does they want to be ready! 

You spend the whole of treatment waiting for it to be over and then when you start feeling more like yourself? ...you realise it will never really be over. I will always be afraid, I will always be waiting for it to come back and get me. I hate that this evil illness has this over me and I hate that it can! I'm told it fades with time and I can't wait for that to happen. Every pain, every ache and I'm convincing myself it's back! I have a cold at the moment and I know it's just a cold but a teeny, tiny part of me thinks ..is it?! 

With this in mind I'm seriously thinking about having a mastectomy and reconstruction on my "good" boob. Yes, it sounds a tad drastic but at least then I know it can't come back there! I've talked to women in the chemo unit at the hospital who have said about the first... and second time they've had breast cancer! Second time??? You've got to be kidding me! When I was originally diagnosed I asked them to take both, at the time my oncologist didn't feel this was the top priority. Perhaps she was right but now I'm in a better position I feel this maybe the right time.

If anything, the last year has taught me that boobs are over rated! As my lovely Godmother (a breast cancer survivor herself) told me at the start of this, "it's not like you're losing an arm or a leg"!  She was so right and I've found myself saying that to people who think losing a boob was the worst thing that could happen. I don't blame them as before this, I would of probably felt the same! 

Anyway, we shall see but in the mean time something that is getting the chop is my real hair! Tomorrow in fact, just a trim to keep it growing! I'm still wigging it, 90 per cent of the time but I'm getting braver and have been to the shop and to the hospital without it on! I can't wait for the day I don't feel the need to wear it and everyday it's getting closer!