The Pants and Bra's Ball 2016

Wow wow wow! Did that fantastic night really happen?! 8 long months of planning and it went so fast!

We didn't get off to the best start though! Steve and I had to do a few trips to the hotel to get everything down there. All the other trips were fine but then towards the end, Steve came back saying there had been an accident. Just in case, we decided I would go down and get started setting up, while he would do the last trip on his own.
Unfortunately it wasn't that straight forward! We got as far as West Lane and then we were stuck behind ALOT of traffic! What should of been a 15-20 minute journey took nearly two hours..an hour and half just to get off the island!!! So panic stricken I began to madly set up the venue while Steve had to attempt a final trip! He didn't have his clothes for the evening, his laptop to provide the music and we still had a few bits to pick up!

I have to say though, the hotel staff were amazing! The hotel event co-ordinator Davina began to put chair covers on for us, as did my mother in law! While my Father in law got to work setting up the sweet cart!
Stacey was arriving by limo and she was slightly delayed along with the bus due to the traffic! When Stacey arrived (along with everyone else) I was in my Scruffs still madly trying to finish!!! My friends & sister instantly started setting up the last bits when they arrived, while Stacey did the meeting & greeting alone!

Everyone was welcomed into the room while I raced up stairs to get changed!!! I didn't want it to ruin the night so I insisted the meal started without me. By this stage, I wanted to be poshed up more than I wanted to eat anyway!! As soon as Steve arrived he got some music on the go and I came down a little while after. For the record ball goers...the room was missing 50 helium balloons but I think we coped without them!

Couple of things I have to mention, one being there was a young lad who helped me set up and he informed me it was actually his first day at the hotel. His first day and he was decorating the venue with knickers and bras!!! Poor lad!!!
Secondly, there was an awkward moment when two of the other young staff were staring at the table plan, looking horrified and whispering! Then I realised...

"It's not my underwear on that bored you know" I reassured them!

A look of relief spread over their faces!

  

The underwear we used to decorate was all brand new and donated by an underwear firm in China! Just so everyone's clear...it wasn't mine and it wasn't Stacey's!
At the end of the night we let anyone who wanted it to, take it home, and it all went!

Anyway, back to the rest of the night! So we're all there and everything's in full swing!!! I got down just as everyone was finishing their dessert which was perfect as this meant we could go straight into the auction.
EVERYTHING sold and some for higher than we expected! We were so lucky as we had a brilliant auctioneer in David from Race Night who donated his services free of charge to us. He was only meant to do the auction but he stuck around and did the raffle too (I think he was enjoying himself).
My lovely Steve did a couple of sets and all in all in all it was fabulous!!!

I unfortunately got very drunk on probably only about 4 glasses of wine! I haven't drunk for two years what with being pregnant, having treatment and then recovering from meningitis/surgery so I think it's acceptable to be a complete light weight! What was amazing was all the lovely messages and texts I woke up to on Saturday morning! Everyone has said how much they enjoyed themselves and what a success it was. I really hope it was and their not just being kind!

Something I didn't expect was the overwhelming sense relief, not that's it's over (I'm actually a bit sad about that) but that we did it! I've always known this is what I wanted to do and in the early days when I had this idea, I was having chemo and was very ill. If I'm honest, I'm not sure I thought I would live to see it!

But I did! I flippin well did! So have that Cancer!!! Not only that, the night raise £2340 for Cancer Research UK ...and the total still rising!!! I actually cried when we calculated the total! I'm over the moon, I feel exactly what I wanted to feel ...like I fought back! For the first time in a long time, I feel a part of the old me start to creep back. I feel stronger in some way...I'd like to say like Wonder Woman but in all honesty I'm probably more Harley Quinn!!!

Thank you so much to every one who attended, took part in the auction and all the lovely companies who helped us make it such a success! Stacey and I are more grateful than words can say! I will do a follow up post with all the companies we need to thank and a bit about them in the next few days.

I didn't take any photos unfortunately so I've pinched some of Stacey's and my sister's!

One thing I will say this is not the end of our fundraising its only the beginning. Xxx

One Week To The Ball & The Pink Bus!

Today is exactly a week until the ball!! I can not believe we are at this point and to be honest I don't think I've ever felt so nervous about anything in my life!

Sounds dramatic Perhaps, but it's so important to me that it's a success! I want to do the people I love proud for all the support they've given me and most of all I want to do the people that haven't been as lucky as me in fighting this horrible illness proud!

Stacey and I had a final stages planning meeting last night and although all so exciting there is still so much to do! It's funny because we are so different, Stacey does everything yesterday where as I will do everything tomorrow! Some how though it just works, we have pulled together something amazing and I am in no doubt we will raise a nice amount for Cancer Research UK!

As we sat there last night going through the ins and outs of everything, I finally asked the question I always wondered but never asked

"Stace..."

"Yep" ...she answered without looking up from the notes she was writing.

"Why did you decide to help me with this, I mean to just randomly help a perfect stranger".

She looked up from her notes, was silent for a moment and then replied with a smile.

"I don't know...I just saw what you wanted to do on social media and thought it was really cool! "

Now I know Stacey, I understand that to her it really is as simple as that! She's just one of these genuinely good people that you rarely come across in this life. She saw something that was important so in her mind why wouldn't she actively help? Would I have done the same the other way round? Helped a complete stranger arrange a charity event? If I'm really honest the answer is probably not. She really has put in as much effort, time and heart into this as me. I will always be grateful and I'm so glad to now be able to call her my friend.

Anyway, enough with the mushy stuff! Today Stacey has been down to Havant bus station discussing our very own pink bus! Colin Ashcroft of Stage Coach buses has kindly offered to donate their pink Cancer Research bus for the evening! How awesome is that?!

The Bus is a new addition to Stage Coach and we will be only the second people to use it! The first was the ladies who work for the company to take them to the race for life at Worthing this year. Naturally, we feel very privileged! Unfortunately neither Stacey or I will be able to arrive by it due to setting up and things but I'm hoping my Parents will be able to take my bus obsessed toddler on it! Colin has even said we can have "Pants & Bras to Cancer" and he had the idea of "Mason's Bus" or something with Mason's name mentioned in it where the number normally is. I got a bit emotional when she told me that bit! What a nice man, I look forward to meeting him and thanking him personally.

The bus is in memory of Colin's Mum Sandy Ashcroft who unfortunately lost her battle with Cancer this year. I hope we do her proud and raise lots of money for the charity.

I've read 2 stories this week of ladies who have recently lost their battle to cancer. Both of them around my age, one lady who lives local to me and one in Wales, who's story I have followed since I was diagnosed. I didn't know either of them personally but that doesn't stop me feeling sad. Well, actually I have experienced a mix of emotions by it all! I feel sad for them, then guilty that I'm still here, and then frightened. Sometimes I can shake all those feelings off and remind myself I'm lucky and just stick with that. because I am, I'm so lucky but then other times I just can't.

I had my review this week with the intensive care unit too which I think helped because they were so happy with how I've progressed. They started at first asking questions like "do you manage ok yet with stairs yet", "can you walk for long" and "do you have someone at home with you to help you"...she was a little surprised when I said explained that I went back to work three weeks ago and am basically back to how I was! Although this was just for the meningitis side of things, it does give me a boost and gives me a well needed shake. Most people who go so quickly down hill with Meningitis like I did don't get back up again. Less then 3 months ago I was laying in a bed in that ward with tubes and machines unconscious for days and now it's like it never happened.

I think it's only now it really hits me that I really could of died! Again, the lady talking to me was full of smiles and seemed genuinely happy at how well I'm doing. When you work in intensive care there aren't so many happy endings I suppose! I will never stop saying it but I'm so lucky! I do struggle some times with coordination still but not so anybody would really notice, my short term memory is terrible and sometimes when I try to concentrate I struggle, but it's nothing really! It may get better over time but it may not, if it doesn't it's not the end of the world!

While I was at the hospital I popped in on Chloe, the friend I made when I was in hospital. She unfortunately is poorly again so she had to go back in recently. She's back on the same ward we were in back in June and it was really bizarre walking back in there! Although I hated every minute of be there, waking back in was quite comforting and familiar!...perhaps because I knew I wasn't staying!!! 

Also I've finally got a date this week for when we are going to be in love it magazine! It's going to be out on 6th October 2016! It's been written for months but with all this meningitis rubbish they held off publishing it! I hope it doesn't come off as a 'poor me' article as I would hate that. 

Even with so much to do and even considering we haven't finished this event, I'm still playing around with ideas of what we can do next! This can't be the end of Pants (& Bras) To Cancer although we may have to rethink the name if underwear isn't involved! I'm thinking maybe a Christmas for kids but maybe that's being too ambitious when it's only 3 months away!!! 

Any ideas welcomed! 

But Honestly, It Was Worth It...

I've been a little concerned that my last blog could have the possibly of scaring ladies thinking of having the same procedure...

Before I had the op I did the thing that EVERY oncologist, surgeon, specialist and breast care nurse tells you what not to do...I googled! I've done this all the way through my journey through cancer, I can't help myself! When you're going through treatment it's the worse thing to do but I've never been very good at following rules or doing as I'm told! I'm sure I'm not alone!

Anyway, so I googled the reconstruction surgery! But to be quite honest...I didn't find very much? I didn't want the medical professions description on the surgery (although I'd previously read plenty). I wanted a normal persons view from someone who had Actually had it done! I could only really find one honest account from a lady in America on a breast cancer forum. Which quite frankly, didn't fill me with confidence. So Now there will be two horror stories on the Internet!! Hers and mine!

This was never my intention but at the same time I want my blog to be as honest as possible. I hope I can help others by sharing my experience but at the same time I write it for me too. When all is said and done, I want my blog to have a happy ending. I have read and enjoyed so many blogs of ladies that have been going through/been through breast cancer. Each time desperately searching for a full recovery, only to get to the end and find a final blog from one of their loved ones or friends sadly announcing that they had pasted away.

I don't want this blog to end like that, in fact I'm determined it won't! I want to be the girl that lived! I want my blog to be the hope to someone else that I so desperately wanted to find during my darkest times.

Soooo with that in mind...let's have some positives now of my new boob!!!

I'm 9 weeks post surgery now and it's all mostly healed. There are a couple of bits still with dressings on but remember I did burst the wound open in my looney state somehow! I actually had a plastic surgery nurse appointment today and she said why it's taken longer is because, I'm unusual in the fact my body spits out the stitches rather than completely dissolve them!! I'm not in any pain though and I'm really enjoying wearing clothes I haven't been able to wear for a long time. When you have one boob everything has to have a high neckline which really wasn't a big deal before the surgery. However, It's been so nice to just stick on a vest top! The fact I now have a flat stomach is amazing too because I've NEVER had a flat stomach! I can wear nice dresses that I would never of been able to wear before so it's been such a bonus!

With a bra on you would never know my new boob used to be my stomach! Without my bra...well it's boob shaped but obviously the scars are still very visible, however I don't care! In time they will fade but even if they didn't I would still be happy with the result! I don't regret the choice I made to have the surgery one bit. The horror part in this story has been meningitis and not the surgery!

Obviously, at the moment I don't have a nipple as that comes later. Having said that though, I don't think I'm going to bother one. They way I feel right now is that the only person who is going to see it is my husband and I know it doesn't bother him! Had I decided not to have reconstructive surgery he wouldn't of looked at me any different.  So instead of a nipple I'm thinking of having something pretty tattooed over the scars! What exactly, I don't know yet! I've never had a tattoo in my life as I've always worried it will hurt, but as there is little feeling in that area that's not going to be an issue ( every cloud)!

Something else I haven't mentioned and that I am proud of, is the fact that Mason and I along with some others did the race for life! It was only two weeks after coming out of hospital after the meningitis episode and for obvious reasons we walked it, well I walked it and pushed Mason in the push chair. When we got close to the finish line though I took him out of the pushchair and he walked the last bit and crossed the finish line holding my hand. I got a bit emotional crossing the finish line as we've been on such a journey together in his short life so far. This was something I had in my mind I wanted to do since last year, so it was a wonderful feeling to reach this point!  Even better though was the fact that our little group raised over £700 for Cancer Research UK!

 

As I think you can see from the photos above, I was still quite poorly and it took two days to recover after but I am so glad we did it. I would of been heart broken if I hadn't!

And Now? Well, I'm feeling so much better that I'm planning to go back to work next week! I wasn't expected back until September but I feel it will do me some good to be back in the real world! I've finally ditched the wig now and although my hair is not quite as long as I'd like I can live with it. I even braved a selfie with my boy the other day!

I've hated how I've looked since chemo so we have very few photos of me & him. Now I think of it, it's our first photo I'm not wearing a wig in (apart from race for life obviously).

Our lovely Kiera- Jayne is in Spain with her Mum, Step Dad and her other little brother. She came to stay when she broke up from school before she went and she will be back down to stay when she gets back before she has to go back to school. We can't wait to see her! I'm determined for us all to have some fun from now on, something that has been seriously lacking through all this!

The New boob AND Meningitis...

I"Should I be feeling this rubbish?" I asked my surgeon on my first Follow up appointment. Rolling his eyes, he reminded me I had just had major surgery and it takes time to recover. I knew that of course, but I just couldn't understand why this headache I'd had for days wasn't not only shifting ..it was getting worse! I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat and I just couldn't concentrate on anything! Surely this wasn't right? 

My wounds were at this point still doing well and they took the dressings off that day! I was given some foam padding and advised to put them in my bra to protect the new boob instead. Other than that all was looking positive. 

But a couple of days later, the head ache was still going strong and I still felt dreadful! Steve decided enough was enough and Insisted I went to see my GP. Which I did, and he concluded that perhaps I had a slight infection but didn't feel it was anything to be concerned about. To be on the safe side he prescribed some antibiotics. I don't think I even got a chance to start taking them as by the next day not only was the headache now unbearable I was vomiting and exhausted from the lack of sleep. It was clear something was really wrong so Steve and I headed to A&E. 

"But you have just had major surgery Janine" the doctor in A&E informed me. Why did everyone keep saying that to me? All the same she took some blood and fast tracked it to be tested, checked my temperature, blood pressure, etc. even offered me paracetamol (seriously). But after 5 hours she said she couldn't find anything wrong and sent us home advising me to take the antibiotics the GP had described to be on the safe side. 

The next day, while Steve was working my Auntie came over to look after me and Mason. Since my operation my family had been taking turns in coming over to do this when Steve could work and that day it was my Auntie's turn. She had brought with her some migraine strips to try and help my headache. which was the first thing so far that had actually helped and as a result I was able for the first time in over a week to sleep. In Fact I wasn't very sociable that day and I'm pretty sure I fell asleep while lying on the sofa talking to her...

And that's were my memory ends. The next thing I remember is waking up 5 days later in hospital. The following is a complete blank and I'm just going on what I have been told...

According to Steve, I apparently got up that morning and jumped in the shower. When I came out Steve noticed I had managed to burst my stitches in the new boob. Naturally, he was slightly alarmed but what alarmed him more was the fact I wasn't screaming like a banshee (which in my right mind would of been my reaction)! He started to try and get me in the car to take me to the hospital but I was refusing to get dressed! He says he pleaded and begged but the only way he could get me in the car was still in my dressing gown and insisting on wrapping myself with our bedroom quilt! I was behaving so strangely, and going from vacant to bordering on aggressive that he didn't think he could handle me in his own! Half way to the hospital he decided to call my Auntie who agreed to meet us there.  

Now ,this is the bit I'm glad I can't remember! When we got to the hospital, I refused to go inside because I was only wearing a dressing gown (after ME insisting before we left I wasn't wearing anything else)! I then sat in the middle of a parking space just as a car was trying to park in it! Steve at this point, quite understandably started to lose patience with me! Luckily,  my Auntie by then was there.  She manage to get me inside and into the toilets, where she got me to but the tracksuit bottoms Steve had managed to grab before we left on me. 

Once in the hospital, I understand I was a bit of a nightmare. I screamed, shouted and swore at just about everybody who who tried to treat me. I'm not sure at which point but Steve has told me security had to stop me running out the building! I hit someone called Martin?! Who Martin was I have no idea!! I even called my lovely Steve all the names under the sun (apparently I felt it was all his fault)?! 

In Between all this, Steve explained the headaches and other symptoms of the last week. Naturally, they felt the fact that I have been having treatment for breast cancer, the es headaches/neck pain, my strange current aggressive behaviour and the fact my Mum passed away from a brain tumour was concerning. They tried to give me a CT scan, but .... I kept jumping off the bed on the scanner every time they tried! In the end they had to sedate me (who can blame them)! They advised Steve to go home and get some sleep as by this stage it was late and they wouldn't do anything until the next day anyway. Which he did, but Steve getting any rest was short lived as a few hours later they called him and asked him to come back. While I was asleep they decided to do the CT and they wanted to discuss the results with him.

I'm so proud of Steve because at this point he was dealing with this all on his own, my parents were on holiday, his parents live in Luton. My Auntie had Mason and in the middle of the night/ early hours he was driving to the hospital alone knowing nothing except that I was clearly very ill (not to mention, the fact that the last time I'd spoke to him in my looney state I had probably called him an expletive).

The good news was it wasn't a brain tumour, in fact they confirmed there was no sign of cancer anywhere. The bad news was that they were pretty sure it was meningitis. 

"But she is going to be ok isn't she?" My scared and exhausted husband asked. The truth was at that stage they just didn't know. While I was unconscious for the next few days Steve was with me as much as he could. Between My mother in law (who came down straight away), My sister & brother in law and My parents Mason was well looked after. Since I've been better Steve has told me that he has never been so scared seeing me lying there with tubes, wires and machines everywhere. When I did wake up, as the doctors had already confirmed with my family I didn't have any memory of my looney behaviour! To me it still feels like I feel asleep on my sofa talking to my auntie and the next minute I woke up in a hospital bed! 

When I did wake up, I had trouble speaking. I would get words jumbled up or I just couldn't say some words at all! It was strange because I knew what I wanted to say but I just couldn't get it out! No one at first told me I had meningitis and I didn't actually question at the time how I got there or why I was there. They did a lumbar puncture the day I woke up which confirmed it and when they felt I was able to take it in a doctor came round to tell me. At that time my parents were with me and my reaction? 

I burst in to tears , because I had meningitis? No, because I realised I was going to have to stay in hospital! The first thing I asked? 

"When can I go home?" 

The doctor was in total disbelief.

"Janine, you do understand meningitis is life threatening?"

of course I did but the thing is and I'm sure anyone else who has had/ has cancer would agree. You kind of get used to the life threatening bit, it's always there at the back of your mind. It's not about being negative or positive,You just can't help it. So when someone says life threatening its kind of like, what's new?! I've lived with the word life threatening and the fact I might die for 18 months, it doesn't have the same effect on me as it would a healthy person. 

Anyway, I had to continued with IV antibiotics and fluids for at least another two weeks they felt. At this stage I was still in intensive care and to be quite honest it was miserable. I was so weak so I couldn't even get out of bed without help. It wasn't easy for Mason to visit either, intensive care isn't an ideal place for a toddler as you can imagine! On day 4 of being conscious they decided I was well enough to be put onto a normal ward and at 4.30am I was moved to C5. 

The first morning on the word and after days in hospital I was feeling pretty lost. I remember sitting by the window feeling very sorry for myself and totally defeated, when a lovely lady comes and sits herself next to me and for the first time in days...I actually believe it's going to be ok! That lady was my lovely friend Stacey. 

Rather than remind me how ill I was and that going home should be the last thing on my mind. Stacey instead said 

" look it's Friday today, They said two weeks so I reckon mid week next week. Just get through this weekend and the rest will fly by! ...We could go out for lunch that day?"

That visit was the perk up I needed!  I don't know how she does it and don't think she even has to try, she's just one special lady with a special gift!

So that's exactly what I decided to do,

just get through the weekend. It was easier to see Mason on the ward, the other 3 ladies didn't seem to mind him being a noisy toddler. Someone brought him in everyday but I still missed him terribly! I made a friend on my ward too,which was a great help. Without her I can honestly say it would of been unbearable! Everyone knows that hospital food is not great so one night we decided to get a dominos pizza delivered to the hospital! Very nice it was too!! Down to reception we both went to get it, me wheeling my drip and her spaced out on the pain meds the nurse had decided to give her just as we were leaving to go collect it! We did have some laughs! 

Once the weekend was out the way, after a chat with the doctor on the Monday. I was so happy when they came to me on the Tuesday and said that I could finally go home! There were conditions, but I would agree to anything they asked if it meant I could be with my baby again! I had to pop in everyday to see them, if I felt I was getting unwell again I had to come back, and The meningitis recovery team had to agree! 

Since I had been awake, every day I was asked a series of questions to see how my brain was recovering. "What year is it?", "How old are you?", "who's the queen?" And things like that. That day though they asked me who the prime minister...I panicked when I realised I didn't actually know the answer!! It's wasn't because on the meningitis, I just didn't know! Luckily, they laughed (a lot) and accepted it to be the case! They had me running up and down stairs, walking in a straight line, memory flash cards and everything they had basically! They chatted to me about my mind feeling a bit jumbled for maybe a couple of weeks but this should pass. This sounds so ridiculed but I think only at that point did I realised just how lucky I had been. More often then not, they don't get people who do pass their tests. Not everyone gets to go home and they were as happy as I was that I could. 

Despite all my moaning and desperation to be out of hospital! I am so grateful to the fantastic people that looked after me. Especially the nurses! There were so many times I felt defeated in hospital and every time I saw someone with a pushchair my heart would ache for my little boy. When I felt like this I would become stubborn and  difficult (the people that know me the most will be going "yep, I know the one!" right about now). I really wasn't fun but most of them could see it was deeper than that and didn't lose there temper with me! Two in particular called Claudia and Martyr. 

Its not just hospital staff though my nearest and dearest have been amazing too! Danielle, Mark, Gemma, Tasha, Kirstie, John, Dad, Eve, Lorraine, Diane and last but not least my lovely Steve. Since I've been out of hospital I've also had some of my fabulous work friends visit which was lovely and meant so much (thank you gorgeous ladies)! 

This week was my 6th week after surgery. I'm still a bit sore and my memory is terrible but I'm getting there! I was able to start picking and holding Mason up properly this week, which has made me feel slightly more normal!  Just so I don't scare anyone, having a breast reconstruction doesn't give you meningitis. That was just me and my horrendously bad luck! 

One last thing! For the record my new boob is kind of fabulous!!! It's taking some getting used to that when I look down now I see a cleavage again though! 

On the mend, Hospital Selfie with my sister and my cousin!

 

The New Boob ...

Oh my! It's been a eventful couple of months and to be honest we are still catching our breath! The short version is I officially have the worst luck in the world but the good news is it would seem I'm invincible! 

The long version? Well, let's start from the beginning shall we! 

Four days before moving house I get a phone call out of the blue from the hospital...

"Mrs Taylor, we can see from our records your on the waiting list for a breast reconstruction. There's been a last minute cancelation would you like to come in on Wednesday?" 

I wasn't expecting this to be until at least September so this was completely out of the blue. It wasn't ideal timing but it would mean getting it out of the way sooner so I would of been silly not to accept! 

So that Wednesday morning, off steve and I went to the hospital. 

Now, the thing I wasn't prepared for was how terrified I would be. I think I just expected to feel like I did when I had me mastectomy, which quite honestly was relief!  I wanted it gone and I suppose most people must feel like that, at that point you will let them cut off anything if it takes it away. 

So anyway! There I was absolutely terrified but unlike last time Steve was allowed to stay with me right until I went down for surgery. Which funnily enough didn't help my fear as that's when you know it's serious surgery!!! 

So, the reconstruction I choose was the Diep flap surgery which is where they basically take fat and skin from your stomach and use it to build a new breast. It's much more complicated then I'm making it sound but if you're interested this is the more technical explanation ..

http://www.breastcancer.org/treatment/surgery/reconstruction/types/autologous/diep

Because they needed to use a main artery from my stomach for the new boob, I had to be warmed up by what can only be described as a giant hover bag! It was one of the weirdest things I have eve experienced and you have to see it to believe it! Steve, found it so amusing that he took a picture (cheek of it)! you can see how ridiculous I looked below, sexy surgical stockings and all!

I sat like this for a couple of hours (Steve giggling the whole time). It did help lighten the mood though and before we knew it the time came to walk down to the operating theatre. Slightly emotional,  I kissed Steve goodbye and off I went for the one of the only perks in my opinion when it comes to the surgery bit! The lovely sleep!!! 

When I woke, I was told by the surgeon that the surgery had gone really well. So well in fact it had only taken 2 and a half hours (they had expected it to take 6 hours). I wasn't in much pain at all and all I was interested in was when could a I go home? Had it not gone well, had I been in pain that still would be my first question! I've spent so much time away from my baby and all I ever want to do is get back to him. Well, as expected the nurses scoffed at the idea it would be anytime soon, but I don't think they realised at that point my desperation and my determination! 

The day after surgery I had my first (and as it turned out only) physio session, where the lovely physio said the aim for today was to just to get me standing. I smiled and said ok, but I already decided I wanted to end the session walking. One hour later, that's just what I did! up and down the halls with the physio walking beside me.  Not because I'm strong, not because I'm a trouper but simply because I was THAT determined to get home to my little boy! 

The next morning, one the nurses informed me the surgeon would be coming to see me that morning but not to get my hopes up because there was no way he would be letting me go home!

 Regardless though I knew my chances were good when the Physio came to do her rounds and she informed the same nurse there was no point her seeing me as there was nothing left for her and I to do (I was going off for a shower on my own by this point). I would be lying if I said that I wasn't a bit chuffed, that hearing that wiped the smug look off the above mentioned nurses face (as with everything in life there's always one isn't there)! 

Anyway, when the surgeon arrived he was aware of the fact I didn't need anymore Physio and on looking at my wounds was amazed at how well they looked. I was mobile, I was eating/drinking and wasn't needing pain relief (I couldn't feel anything in those areas to be in any pain). He said it had to be a record for the hospital for this procedure but he didn't see any reason why I couldn't go home ..TODAY! Well, I could of kissed him (I didn't though!). I had phoneed Steve and packed my bag before he even left the ward!! 

I was actually going home to my boy! I wouldn't be able to pick him up for 6 weeks, I wouldn't be able to do too much apart from lay on the sofa but that didn't matter I was going to be home. 

Unfortunately ...that's where the good news ended. 

Learning To Fight The Fear

I spent all last summer longing for this life! Ok, things aren't how they would of been but it's getting easier. No where near as many hospital visits or needing to rest so much and most importantly my son isn't spending as much time without me. 

I appreciate every seconds with him, so much more than I would of done before cancer. The only problem is that when I'm at my happiest that's when the fear also sits in, and I'm scared cancer will come to take it all away from me. 

I'll be sitting play with him or laughing with him and out of know where horrid thoughts will cross my mind... "what if comes back to take me? He won't remember any of this and how much I love him".. , "In 10 years time what if I'm gone and he's calling someone else Mummy?" or "what if I don't get to see him grow up?". 

It upsets my family when I talk like this or perhaps they're bored of it and too polite to say! Either way I try very hard not to say these things out loud. I know I have to push these thought away, I know I have to not let it beat me but it's so hard still. I hope one day it will get easier and I don't have to battle in my head like this. I'm so angry that I let it do this to me, I don't want to be a victim or feel sorry for myself. I fought so hard for this and feeling like this at times wasn't what I pictured. 

That aside, we have had some  lovely times this weekend. My boy is truly amazing and my reason to keep going. People always say they couldn't imagine going through all this with a baby, but actually I don't think I could of gone all through this without him. 

Anyway, I've fought it for so long but I finally gave in and he's had his baby curls cut! It was starting to look a mess so Steve took him to his barbers for her big boys hair cut! Since the hair cut he seems to have grown of night and he's becoming a proper little boy! He demolished his first ice cream, played in the garden and leant to move his ride on truck all be himself (although he can only go backwards at the moment)! He really loves being outside and the minute I put his shoes on he's banging on the back door, waiting for me to take him out in the garden! Everyday at the moment he says and does something new! I love him so much even when he trashing my house apart and throwing the mother of all tantrums!! 
He's my reason to fight! As my step mum saying "our miracle baby" and I would go through this all again if it meant I got him too. 

Last Herceptin

For the last 15 months, every 3 weeks I have gone for treatment at the oncology day unit. First for 5 months of chemotherapy and then continued visits for Herceptin. Today was my last visit, no more 3 weekly treatments of anything! I did it, I actually made it! 6 chemotherapy treatments and 23 Herceptin treatments!!!

I want to feel like it's over, I wanted to feel like I will never go back there but the truth is I'm too scared. I feel like if I think that way I will be tempting fate and the cancer will come back. 

Having said that though I do feel proud of myself and happy that i've made it this far. At the beginning of all this, my current point seemed so impossible! I don't think I honestly thought this day would come. At the time my Step Mother said to me That I had to think of it as a long corridor with lots of doors. Every mile stone was another door and I just had to get to the last one. Well, today is the day that I finally got to it. It's a huge thing and I did it! Not alone of course but all the same it was me who actually did it! 

It's nice to feel this way and if I'm honest unexpected! Everyone I love was so happy when I finished my last chemo but as relieved as I was that it had finished I just couldn't get excited. In fact, I silently sobbed through the whole of my last chemo and clock watched the whole time. Not something I did through the others but I think I just wanted to it over and to get out of there. When It was over and I walked out of the hospital I started hysterically crying! I couldn't stop no matter how hard I tried, it wasn't relief at the point it was sadness. I thought I'd feel like I'd walked through another door and the end would be in sight. However, I didn't feel any of that I just felt like this nightmare was never going to end and I doubted I was strong enough to keep going.  

Today was completely different! I felt very nostalgic actually, remembering the first time I'd walked into that unit and how scared I was of what was to come but mainly the unknown. I'd only had a baby  3 weeks earlier so my hormones were all over the place and I wasn't at my strongest or ready for it in the slightest! Today though  I would walk out of here and hopefully never return. 

Anyway, I walked up to the little reception desk on the unit and was greeted by their lovely receptionist Hayley. Now I have to say I've met a lot of people along this journey down the long corridor and Hayley has to be one of my favourites! She is amazing, she remembers EVERYONES name so she never asks you like most receptionist in the country. Instead you receive a warm greeting from her - by name and you feel well..cared about. In situations like this in such clinical environment some one treating you like a person instead of a number is wonderful. She's a total asset to the NHS and what ever they pay her it's not enough! 

Anyway! So I've been greeted by Hayley and I sit in my chair waiting for my Herceptin. Everything feels different today it's like I'm not really a patient there anymore and I can even ignore the usual stares that come with being the youngest on the chemo unit! It doesn't matter ..none of it does because I won't be coming back here again. When I come to leave I thank the nurse as I always do who treated me that day and I start to walk out. All of a sudden I realise I'm not waking I'm practically running and as I wiz past Hayley I barely say goodbye! I just have to get out, I need this bit to be over!! 

I used the side door and once outside I didn't go to find Steve who is waiting for me with Mason straight away. I just sat on the steps outside in the fresh air and take a minute alone to take it all in. I feel like I've been struggling to breath for so long and now I finally can. It may not be permanent but for now I'm going to enjoy it! 

I look up and the beautiful blue sky and it feels amazing to be alive! Know matter what happens I will always remember this moment. In the last 15 months their haven't been many things to smile at but not today, today has been a good day.