Safety Net

Today was my third to last Herceptin treatment. Coming towards the end of this gives me mixed emotions. Now, I obviously don't enjoy having treatment but at the same time I feel I'm losing a safety net. From here is all monitoring every 3 months and it almost feels like the hospital are waiting for it to come back. The truth is their obviously not but if it does they want to be ready! 

You spend the whole of treatment waiting for it to be over and then when you start feeling more like yourself? ...you realise it will never really be over. I will always be afraid, I will always be waiting for it to come back and get me. I hate that this evil illness has this over me and I hate that it can! I'm told it fades with time and I can't wait for that to happen. Every pain, every ache and I'm convincing myself it's back! I have a cold at the moment and I know it's just a cold but a teeny, tiny part of me thinks ..is it?! 

With this in mind I'm seriously thinking about having a mastectomy and reconstruction on my "good" boob. Yes, it sounds a tad drastic but at least then I know it can't come back there! I've talked to women in the chemo unit at the hospital who have said about the first... and second time they've had breast cancer! Second time??? You've got to be kidding me! When I was originally diagnosed I asked them to take both, at the time my oncologist didn't feel this was the top priority. Perhaps she was right but now I'm in a better position I feel this maybe the right time.

If anything, the last year has taught me that boobs are over rated! As my lovely Godmother (a breast cancer survivor herself) told me at the start of this, "it's not like you're losing an arm or a leg"!  She was so right and I've found myself saying that to people who think losing a boob was the worst thing that could happen. I don't blame them as before this, I would of probably felt the same! 

Anyway, we shall see but in the mean time something that is getting the chop is my real hair! Tomorrow in fact, just a trim to keep it growing! I'm still wigging it, 90 per cent of the time but I'm getting braver and have been to the shop and to the hospital without it on! I can't wait for the day I don't feel the need to wear it and everyday it's getting closer! 

Del Boys Pants!

So, I knew they were coming and nobody else did but it wasn't any less exciting for me when they arrived through my door! Only fools and horses boxes signed by the legend himself, Sir David Jason!!! 

                                

How fantastic is that?! I couldn't believe our luck when he agreed via his agent and to be honest I still can't! Our social media went crazier than it ever has when the pictures were posted so it's raised lots of awareness for our fundraising. It's also makes me think this particular pair is going to raise a nice amount of money for Cancer Research UK! Which of course is amazing but this also makes all the begging emails, Twitter stalking and general correspondence we've done so worth it! 

There have been some agents who given a straight out "NO"! Some have been really nice about it and some...well not so much but we won't dwell on that! The truth is, it's a crazy thing to ask for and even with all the cancer research paper work I provide...I'm still asking complete strangers to send me underwear!! Which is a little bit weird when you think about?! So the fact a legend like Sir David Jason agreed makes it even more amazing!!

Anyway, Things are going really well! We've had some amazing help from a fantastic lady called Stacey Williams! I've yet to meet her but have come to think of her as a friend! I'm so grateful she decided to help! I think we're going to have some exciting news to report very soon...watch this space! 

Guest Blog - Carmen Murphy

        I said from the start I never wanted to make the blog or the campaign about me because Unfortunately there are many other people effected by this horrible illness! So I was over the moon when a work colleague of mine agreed to write a guest blog! She is an amazing, incredibly strong lady! So in her own words, I give you Carmen Murphy....

                           

  

        My name is Carmen, I am 50 years old and I am a mother to my son who is 30 and a daughter who is 13.  I am also a grandmother to a beautiful grandson who is two years old.  Life has been good to me and I am very thankful for the life I have had so far.  Last February I found a lump in my right breast whilst having a shower, I wasn’t too concerned as the lump was quite large and was painful and thought it was probably nothing to worry about.  I mentioned it to my partner who felt the lump and he made me promise I would go to the doctors to get it checked out.  He wouldn’t leave it alone and insisted I go to the doctors as he had lost his mother to breast cancer.  I booked an appointment with my doctor and she checked my breast and sent me for a mammogram within a week.  As I said I was not too worried about it until I had the mammogram, it was weird as the right breast did not hurt when I had the mammogram but my left breast was very painful. I was sent straight in to see the consultant to hrave a more in depth scan and the consultant told me the lump in my right breast was a cyst so I was really relieved as he was going to drain it there and then, then he said he had found 3 more lumps in the left breast and under my left arm and he was going to take a biopsy straight away and I would get the results in a week. After the biopsy I was asked to wait in the waiting room.  I was then called into a room with two nurses who were lovely, one of the nurses asked me what I had been told and I said that I had a cyst in the right breast and just had a biopsy on the other lumps in my left breast and needed to wait for the results for a week.  The nurse said she needed to read what the consultant had put in my notes word for word, the next words out of her mouth, knock the wind out of me and I will never forgetit, she said “Highly likely CANCER”. I couldn’t speak straight away, I broke down as my daughter was only 12 years old and she was my first thought, was I going to survive this and be around to raise my daughter.  My Daughter still needed her mother and how would she cope without me.   After a few tears the nurses told me what may be in store for me depending on the results of the biopsy.  

              A week later I went back for the results and it was confirmed I had indeed got breast cancer and I had it in my lymph nodes and an MRI was booked in to see if they had missed any lumps.  The MRI scan confirmed there was another lump and I could have had another biopsy to confirm if it was cancerous.  I decided I did not want to wait for another biopsy and results so opted to have a mastectomy.  This was booked in within 4 weeks, I had the op and went back to work 2 weeks later.  I know I could have been signed off from work while I was going through all this but I couldn’t think of anything worse than sitting at home and having too much time to think about things so I spoke to my manager at work and told him I did not want to be signed off work and would they be willing to let me come into work and do what I can, when I could.  I have an amazing manager who spoke to his manager and they arrange for me to be able to come into work throughout my treatment of 6 months of chemo.  I would be fine the week of my chemo and able to go to work but struggled the second week and would take time off and then go back to work the third week. 

                

                                

       This continued throughout the chemo and I must say it kept my spirits up working.  The team of people I work with treated me the same as they had before my diagnosis, they have supported me through all of my treatment and I can honestly say what a wonderful team they are, they are friends as well as my colleagues.   I have now finished my chemo but I am still having trial drugs which will continue for the next 9 months. I am also very lucky to have a very large family, who’s support has been second to none.  Life doesn’t end when you are told you have cancer, life goes on and I truly believe having a positive attitude helps you cope with it, I even applied for a new job and just heard today I was successful and start a new job within the same company on the 22nd February so things are definitely looking good and I am very positive about the future.

      Before & After Chemo...

 Carmen (& her gorgeous Grandson) now...

One Of A Million Reasons Why

Although I haven't had any undies arrive this week, that doesn't mean things have slowed down! We have had a "yes" from Leigh Francis, Brooke Vincent and Brit Hollywood star Tamer Hassan to name a few!!! We also have had a few maybes but won't name those until they are confirmed!

I can't lie, the excitement of undies arriving does spur me on and I can get a little slack when it doesn't feel like there's much going on. The thing I find really hard is to get people's attention, for them to really engage with what we're trying to do...I have to tell my story. I find this incredibly difficult because I don't want people to feel sorry for me. It's human nature and it not a horrible thing but it's also something that I feel is wasted on me. The sad thing is I'm not the only young (35 is still young right?) woman to have breast cancer there are loads of us out there! The unusual thing about me, I realise is that I had/have a baby at the same time.

Now I say unusual but unfortunately is happens to more than it should. Something I'm very aware of is sometimes both mum & baby don't always make it. The fact I'm still here and I have my Mason is something I'm so grateful for. I'm one of the lucky ones and although I never forget it sometimes I need a slap to bring it to the front of my mind!

Yesterday I got said slap, and I'm more grateful then ever.

I was in touch only very, very briefly with a lady called Heidi who has a blog of her own "A Storm In A Tit Cup". Now like me she was diagnosed with breast cancer while she was pregnant but unlike me, she was diagnosed much earlier on. I don't want to tell her story for her because it's not my story to tell (like I say I don't actually know her) but basically so she could get treatment her baby had to be induced very early. The odds were in her favour (90%) but unfortunately although at first she was doing so well, baby Ally passed away 8 days later. Heidi is now going through her treatment at the same time as grieving for her beautiful daughter. Something I can't even comprehend as through my treatment my baby boy has kept me going. To read Heidi's blog and to follow her journey click on the following link : http://storminatitcup.blogspot.co.uk/?m=1

This afternoon as I walked with Mason on this cold but sunny day I thought of Heidi and baby Ally. This shouldn't of happened to me, this shouldn't of happened to Heidi or anyone else who has had Vile illness! If I have to tell my story to help stop this happening to anyone else, I will! I will shout it from the flipping roof tops if I have to! 

Heidi and Ally are two of the millions of reasons I want to push this campaign to it's full potential and push it I shall. Amazing what a little walk can do?! 

A Temporary Glitch

Just when everything is going so well, I get ill! Nothing serious (NOTHING seems serious after cancer) but still felt flipping awful! Had to see my Doctor who told me that I'm doing too much so I need to slow down and look after myself a bit better. He's right, I know he's right but it's so frustrating! My brain wants to push me when my body just isn't ready! The problem is, (work and campaign aside) that I have a one year old! How can you take it easy with a one year old??!! Why would you want to?! I appreciate my life so much more than I ever had and I don't want to miss a second!! My body, however is telling me other wise so I'm begrudgingly listening! Lots of rest for the rest of the week and breaks from undies hunting!!! 

Having said that I do find myself waiting for the postman to arrive! Everyday I get as excited as a kid does waiting for Father Christmas on Christmas Eve! Asking my Husband "Has he been yet" and bitter disappointment when he has but has nothing for me!!! 

So...I was devastated when I missed the postman last Friday and had to wait until Monday to obtain the package! When I did eventually pick it up Monday, it did not disappoint!! 

I'm excited to announce the latest addiction to our auction!! A bra signed by the CEO of Ann Summers (& Queen of underwear) herself! Jacqueline Gold!!!! Can't you believe it??? 

I've also had a few more "yes's) but I don't want to say until they come!! I have probably sent 50 emails out this week to various agents so hopefully we're have some positive results from those too! 

I have my Herceptin treatment tomorrow and then back to the oncologist on Monday! So now I better get back to my resting while the little man is sleeping! Zzzzzzx